It was one of those days were you least expect something amazing to happen to you. Living in a bubble and being in a zombie state was quite the usual for me. Funny, how I never noticed that I was in such a state. You could say my life was boring and even dead.
This is my epiphany; the epiphany of Taylor Ann MacKenzie.
I always wake up to a screeching alarm early in the morning. It always plays the same song, a song that I am way too lazy to change. The sun never peeks through my window because I hate seeing it. I hate being out in the sun and feeling its heat. It’s way too bright, that is, when the sun wants to peak its annoying face out from the white clouds. It’s oddly overcast here, but not in the way that it looks like it’s going to rain. I get out of bed in the morning shivering because I always have to have my room cold. I grab my clothes, use the bathroom, wash my hands, brush my teeth, face, and hair, and put on my neutral make-up. I really don’t care about being noticed. Who notices me anyway? Everyone seems so into their own groups, their own kind. While me on the other hand, where do I belong? I feel like the woman from the book Quicksand, the “exotic other”; the one who couldn’t find her balance in any group. So I grab my bag and books and head out the door. There’s a weird vibe in the air. I look up and see that sun trying to peek through.
I am sitting in the class in my usual spot. It’s somewhere in the back. I hear the conversations around me, but say nothing. I’m not sure I can. I want to though. I see that the teacher begins to talk. I take out my notebook and begin to right. The minutes pass. It’s weird. Time never seems to faze me anymore. It seems like days blend together, like there is no time. It seems that when I am away from home, everything just becomes nothing. I thought being gone from home is supposed to be the best. Extraordinarily enough, people seem to be living their life around me and I’m here, dormant. I’m just here, lost in my own thoughts. “And that’s all for today.” What? I guess class is over. This is how I live my life, in daydreams.
When was the last time that I felt alive? When was the last time that I really cared what I looked like? Oh, yeah. There I go again, peeking over that wall hidden deep in my heart. It was with him. The one time I was actually happy. I mean sure, we were never an item, but we were best friends forever. What happened between us? I guess those little annoying things added up. Really, I swear if I see another giggly faced girl walking this sidewalk I will go crazy.
It’s dark outside again. I guess I didn’t notice how late it’s become. Everything is set for tomorrow like always. I’m so tired, but what’s making me so tired so early this night? So God thanks for this day. It was uneventful. I feel like I can’t even talk to you. I’m feeling so upset about my life God! Why am I so broken up inside? I don’t think I’ve ever felt less alive than I do right now. This sadness isn’t even because my best friend left me and broke me. It’s gotten worse. I feel like this crazy person who can’t even get people to talk to her. I’m starting to feel really tired now. Can you please send something great my way? I’ve been asking you this forever. I’ve dropped him and let him go from my life a long time ago. I can’t even stand the sight of any guy. I think they are so stupid and arrogant and sexist. Send me a miracle my way. I don’t want to be a zombie anymore, trapped in my mind. What’s holding me down and…
I feel my eyes shutting tightly and the cold air looming in my room.
I hear the squeal of my alarm. Did I even finish praying last night? God, what time is it? Crap, I think I slept through three alarms! How could I have slept through them? Now I have 25 minutes to get to class, great. Wait, something’s different. My room is a little brighter than usual. I guess my roommate left the blinds open yesterday. Oh, what do I wear! I think this yellow shirt with my black cuffed pants and my jean vest. My hair is oddly in order for being as wild as it is. Maybe I’ll just pop some random bright color on my eyes to hide the dark circles that is making me look like a vampire…or in this case, even more of a zombie.
I open the door to find that there is a slight breeze outside. How long has it been since the sky has actually shown any blue? The yellow sun looks better next to the blue sky than just breaking through those clouds of white. I smiled a bit.
Here I am, second to the last class of the day. Take out the notebook, open my book, and on he speaks.
“Hey how are you?” Wow, did that just pop out of my mouth to someone else?
“Good.” So, I smile back at them.
What is the point of even asking anyone how there day is when you know what their response is going to be? To ask someone how they’re doing and always getting that response is more annoying than being polite. Can life be any more of a predictable cycle for me?
Just the other day, I let a thought slip through my head that I’ve been hiding deeply. The thought of that one person I could never let into my thoughts again. He was gone. He was a friend of mine, but not a close one. I remembered now. That was the last time I felt awake. He left. I have to ask myself now, why was it him that woke me up? What was it about him and being around him that made me feel like I was there, like life was unpredictable and enjoyable?
What is wrong with me? I really daydream too much in class. Time is up.
I’m walking now on this routinely annoying path, but it’s weird today. Today actually feels good outside. I can’t believe it. Is the sky actually blue right now? Wow, it’s so beautiful.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” I can’t believe I just bumped into someone and dropped my stuff. I really need to be paying more attention when I…when…Brian? Is that Brian walking straight ahead? I just noticed I’m walking against the crowd. Oh my gosh, I’m having an ADD moment.
It was that moment, that stupid moment that opened my eyes again. I don’t know what it was with this kid, but he brought light into my life. There he was, it was like a slow motion dream sequence you only see in movies. The people were parting like the Red Sea around me but he was walking straight towards me. How long had it been? I couldn’t even think. Time was nonexistent in my life. It didn’t matter though because there he was. These array of emotions surged through me. I felt like I was seeing a ghost, or a look-a-like. We used to hang out so much. He saw me scrambling with my stuff and smiled. I didn’t even apologize to the poor guy I accidentally ran into. But it didn’t matter because he was here. The man that I had repressed for so long in my mind; the one I never thought I’d see again.
My heart was racing. I never noticed it beating. He smiled my way; that familiar smile that I had hidden away because it hurt too much to remember. When he spoke I swear it was the voice of an angel. I know I’m being overly dramatic, but it was! I missed that voice. I missed every single thing about him. I stood there not knowing what to do. He came to me with arms wide open, his blue eyes shining in that bright sun I once hated. I knew at that moment that when I would feel the sun’s heat, it would remind me of these seconds. I could feel its heat, and I liked it. I hugged him lightly. I didn’t want anyone to see my happiness. I don’t even think I was happy. I was…alive. I could hear my heart beat, I could feel emotions again. I could understand what was going on around me, hearing the voices that once were dull muffles.
I was in love with him.
Maybe that was a stretch, but I think I’ll find out soon. He just asked me out to go eat with him.
I can’t believe I’m alive.
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